This one came early in the tournament, the 15/30 level. I had worked my way up to 3380T and was the chip leader at the table of 6. UTG, I call with 9c9sTdJs. I like grouped cards plus I had a pair and a flush possibility. Five of us see a flop of Tc5h9h. What's not to like, right? At this point, I'm only behind pocket T's. I lead out for 100 into a pot of 150 and get called by Mean Gene.

The turn is a seemingly harmless Ace of diamonds. It doesn't complete a straight and it doesn't complete a flush. It's unlikely to give Gene a set of Aces because he didn't raise preflop. That card couldn't have hurt me. I lead out 275 into a pot 350. Should I be betting the pot? I should, right?

This is where I become a giant pussy. Gene raised me to 445 to 720. "Really?" I type. "The ace did it."

"Nah," Gene tells me.

"Already had it?" I ask. "Big draw?" My time runs out, and I fold. I'm really out of practice, especially in Omaha, and I think my rust caused me to see a monster. It wasn't logical, but I saw it nonetheless. He raises preflop with Aces and he didn't raise. The chance of him having the last two T's is slim (remember, I have a T). Unless he's sitting on a monster draw like QJh, I'm in great shape. And yet, I folded.

"Top 3 pair," he tells me. Bad fold. Terrible fold.

It's Level VII now (150/300) and I'm among the chipleaders with 9477T. There are only five of us at the table now. Again, I'm UTG, this time with 8hJs9dTh. Once again, they're grouped, and I think they offer lots of possibilities. I limp again and three of us see a flop of KcQd7s. Bayne leads with a pot-sized bet of 900.

I have to call, right? I don't raise, right? The turn is the 8s. It puts a flush draw out there, but I shouldn't be too worried about that, should I? Anyway, the 8 gives me even more outs. Now, I complete my straight with any 6, 9, T, J or A.

Bayne leads out with another pot-sized bet of 2700. To me, that suggests he's trying to push out the draws. So he's sitting on a set or two pair, right?

This is where my tough decision comes. There's 5400 in the pot right now and I need to bet 2700 to see a river. If I'm getting 2-to-1 on my money, then I need to be getting 2-to-1 odds. My rough math had me with at least 17 outs out of 40 cards. I could have been wrong, but I figured it was good enough to call.

The river was a blank for me, the 4 of spades. Surprisingly, Bayne checked. I suppose I could have bluffed the flush. Would he have folded? I doubt it. I checked behind him and his set of Queens took it down. (He held 7d8dQsQh.)

Now this is where it all went down hill. We're down to three players. I had been as high as 25K, but a cold run had me down to 16K. AA_Matt_AA sat with 11K and Bayne had 8K.

From the SB, I'm dealt Js7sJc8c. I like that hand a lot three-handed. I've got a big pair, grouped cards and I'm double-suited. Bayne raises to 2400 UTG. I think my first mistake was not re-raising, but I just call. We see a flop of Td6cQc.

I've got a flush draw and a gutshot straight draw. All in all, I'd call that a good flop. The question is whether or not I want to get all the chips in the middle. I'm pretty sure Bayne is playing a big pair, just hopefully not Qs. If he does have an overpair, I think I have a lot of outs.

I check, he bets the pot, and I check-raise him all-in. I think I like the play, but I'm not sure. Bayne shows 9hKh3hKd. I'm glad the read was right, but I lost some of my outs. The turn is the Ks, which puts me in even worse shape. I'm down to any 9 or any club that doesn't pair the board.

The river is the Th. Not only does it not help me, but it gives Bayne the boat. I'm down to just a few thousand chips. It doesn't take long for me to bust out.

Did I play these right? I'm positive I should have pushed with my pocket 9s in the first hand. Should I have been more aggressive with my draws? I did an awful lot of calling. How about the check-raise on the last hand? I could have just called and then folded to the big bet with the K on the turn.

Anyway, I'll wait for some of you PLO experts to let me now if I could have played it another way. Hopefully I'll see some of you at the tables tomorrow at the next Saturdays with Dr. Pauly.

As I write this, I'm folding away in 3 Poker Stars SNGs. I can usually fold my way into the final four and then scrape a few bucks in the end. If I were a patient man I'd make good money this way.

A good SNG is like an easy contract job. It helps cover a shortfall when the bills are due.

As a rule, I don't win much but enough that whenever I sit down and fire 3 or 4 up I'll have a few extra dollars in the "Cashier" window.

If I were a reasonable man, I'd be very profitable at poker.

THE BLACK HOLE

Even now, while still folding in my SNGs, I'm drawn to that list of gigantic MTTs. I'm like a lottery junkie. Frankly, the odds of me actually winning an MTT are about the same as the lottery.

If you ask my friends, those I rope into watching me as I approach the big payout, they'll tell you I've developed a pretty standard tournament profile. It goes as follows:

1. Semi-patient I fold marginal hands for an hour.
2. My patience pays off and I build a decent stack the moment I catch a few cards.
3. I use the second hour and most of the third turning my stack and, now, more aggressive style.
4. The blinds escalate, I lose my cool.
5. I make a very stupid play and go from a massive final table stack to the bubble.
6. I curse out loud and close the laptop without bothering to log off.

Sometimes I'll notice the clock on my cable box is nearing the top of the hour and quickly log in to Stars to see if there's a good tournament coming up.

If the only tournament is well beyond what I can comfortably handle in my roll, I'll convince myself I'm playing well enough to win anyway and register.

If my roll is just a little shy, I'll boot up an SNG and build it up a little so I can play in one of the big boys an hour later.

Pathetic no?

By the way, I've jut won one of my SNGs and missed the money in the other two. Thus, I've made a very small amount of money.

It's 11:15 as I post this.

I'm looking for something to do until some nice big tournaments start again at noon.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 9475236

***

Roman hit the keys on his key board with disgust. Just two weeks ago, he had been on RP. He was good at it. Mikail had even told him so.

"Three offices," Mikail had said in between drags, "and you are the most productive RP of the Syndicate."

Roman, not normally a prideful person, had taken some satisfaction in the distinction. He had enjoyed a profitable month and the bosses had been looking at him favorably. Roman knew that if he could maintain his earnings for another five or six months, he would be promoted to group leader. That is where the money was.

It had taken Roman six months to work his way up from C&P to RP. He worked double shifts, worked double stations, and worked faster than anybody in the room. At night, he would go home with arthritic fingers, bent and twisted, calloused on the ends. It would hurt to even dial a phone.

His output and earnings were superb. He had so many plans for RP. He'd created a folio of interesting characters and back stories. One was a 70 year-old man who was on a fixed income.

"My son just took away my credit cards," Roman had typed.

Another identity was a 33-year-old mother from Anderson. She loved sex, but she loved the game more. She promised pictures and web cams.

***

"Back to $5!" Mikail shouted, then returned to his skin mag.

Roman minimized his screen, pulled up the one marked "Five Dollars," and again slammed his fingers on the keyboard.

It had been so easy for so many months. He'd stuck to his plan. He'd been disciplined. He was creative without straying from policy.

Four nights ago, though, he'd gone too far. He'd pushed too hard. He had stayed too long.

Suddenly, Mikail stood over his shoulder.

"Roman, there is a problem with your accounts."

And that was that. The 70-year-old man was dead. The housewife was gone. All of Roman's Real People, the ones he loved, the ones he lived were now no more than sheets of paper in his three ring binder.

***

Now, Roman was back in the trenches. The chances of being on Real People again before the end of the year were slim. The chances of making Group Leader were gone.

Roman was back, like more than half of the other Syndicate pawns, to being on Copy & Paste.

Roman scanned the Five Dollar Page and picked the first template he saw. Frustrated fingers pushed Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V in time with the tapping of Mikail's foot. When Roman pressed enter, he saw the same words in the chat box.

SourBaby33 (Observer): hi all. may someone help
with $5, it be more then appreciated, i note to pay
back, if you can thanks so much, be greatful.

It was going to be a long winter.

Click image for full version

And, yes, my bets on fourth and fifth street were $72.
And, yes, I got paid off.

By the way, did you see this picture?

That's three PokerStars players and three WSOP Main Event bracelet winners. One could be called a fluke. Two could be called a coincidence. But three? That's a trend.

I did a Technorati search for "Online Poker Blogger Championship," and it returned 1929 posts with that phrase. Wow.

A quick glance at some of these entires reveals a lot of non-poker players, a lot of people who's blogs have magically become active again after languishing for months, and blogs that magically popped up in the last few days.

Some of my favorites:

Justice Restored: The last post was May 5th and it talked about police cadet role playing (and not in the bedroom).

Jeeps, Yaks and stuff: Magically appearing on October 4th, the first post is a picture of a Jeep. The second post is the tourney registration. I'm still waiting on the Yaks.

Poker Addict: Jdawg tried to be a little less obvious by creating a blog on the 2nd and registering on the 4th. Nice try.

Abused by Illusions: On October 2nd he asked if President George H.W. Bush and President Bill Clinton orchestrated the OKC bombing. On October 4th, he's ready to play poker.

I hate hippies.: Here's just a taste, "michelle REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY wanted me to write another entry cuz i guess theyre really really cute."

Spyware Sucks Donkey Balls: Made the list on the name alone.

------

The good news is that many of these bloggers won't be allowed to play because they don't qualify. The bad news is that because there's no entry fee, more players just hurt our chances. If everyone had to pony up actualy cash, I'd be encouraging more of these dead money bloggers to get invovled.

Speaking of dead money, I've convinced The Blonde to get on board. I'll have to give her a crash course. In poker, or course.

After an hour, my table froze. Not my connection, mind you, but MY table. Every other table in the tournament still ran. I freaked out and contacted what UB likes to call "customer support". Its a very silly name. They aren't CUSTOMERS and...

Later, other tables, one by one, began to freeze. In other tourneys, players who had invested HOURS to reach a final table, were booted from the game and frozen. All of us contacted support, while the cash games and SNGS kept running. They were still registering players for upcoming MTTs. SUCKERS!

In the 11PM tourney, players weren't frozen. Instead, they have no break. And the blinds DO NOT INCREASE! They've been playing 20-40 blinds for over an hour.

Here's the previous post BAIT AND SWITCH

Meanwhile, I WILL NEVER USE UB AGAIN. If you play at UB, when there are SO MANY OTHER SECURE SITES WITH SUPPORT, you're a damn fool.

UPDATE!!

At 7:30 PM THE NEXT DAY....still no refunds for any of the players. They've stolen all the money.

NEW UPDATE

Dear G,

Gina
Customer Service Department.

So, after 36 hours, the problem appears to have been resolved. They've refunded my buyin and made up for the "chip equity", which is nice. Still, I'm VERY disappointed in 2 things :

1) This site seems to have technical problems FAR more often than most others.

2) Customer service should be LIVE. There is NO excuse for a company with this much profit margin not extending 24 live service, especially since the other sites offer it.

I'm still finished with UB, and I'm quite certain I speak for Otis as well.

barnstorm [observer]: I think they should get William Shatner to play this tourney next week
harthgosh [observer]: ENISIGN CRUSHER MEET MASTER JEDI EXCLUSIVE
zigzag [observer]: who's next week.. Drew Carey?
Kru223 [observer]: next week it will be commander data
*****
BeatTheBeat [observer]: hmm.. bigger star: Wil Wheaton or River Phoenix???
Onyx_Hokie [observer]: River's dead.. so probably Wil.
*****
zigzag [observer]: next week should be either Whoopi Goldberg, Number One. or R2D2
timthegem [observer]: Do you have a holodeck in your house, Wil?
*****
AcecardZ [observer]: can't play yoda in a sit n go... he'd FORCE you to fold
Onyx_Hokie [observer]: "This is not the flop you're looking for."
*****
PorkPrince [observer]: wil knows all the cheat codes
PorkPrince [observer]: Go to yellow alert!
*****
(After wil makes the call with pocket 9's.)
JrzyToGa [observer]: NOBODY PUSHES WIL WHEATON AROUND
RMC9 [observer]: Counsellor Troy couldn't have even made that call!!!
*****
(wil pulls out his Magic trash talk. Noah is a world-class Magic: The Gathering player.)
Wil Wheaton: you wanna blow this off and play magic instead?
Wil Wheaton: i've got a great black and blue deck

CAST A SPELL ON YOU

Which brings me back to the rush.

I sent the e-message on Monday night. Late. At that point the 5 day total included some miraculous wins like a $200 heads-up tourney (which I won in 2 hands), 5 $20 SNG (all first place), 3rd place in a $30+3 MTT, and 3rd place in a $10+1MT Turbo. I was winning in every ring game, sometimes several buyins. It was as if I could not only put people on hands but could predict the flop. As BadBlood likes to say, Its hard to beat a player who uses ESP.

I got off early last Wednesday and ran to the "Poker Office". That was the Turbo game. I always thought the fast paced games suited me well becuase I am an aggressive idiot. Idiots loooove turbo. The third place finish earned a net... as I've posted before... of a little more that $200.00.

That night I tried a $30+3. I figured, why not, it's house money. Not only did I finish 3rd but it took a nasty suckout at the final table to kick me out. Again, I've already posted the payout. That, however, wasn't as important as the sense of well being. I played great. My post flop play was spot-on. I knew when the bad guys were on an overcard draw and busted them with a good bet. I could read every draw and bailed hard on the obvious set.

This was all my doing. The body makes adreneline. I manufactured the rush.

Thursday night, I hit the always popular dealers choice game at the BadBlood hotel and casino. The tables are nice and the waitress is hot so its always a nice game. 3 hours, 12 games of "Eric's #1 game", and a million 3-6 Hold-ems later and I'm up $180.00

Friday night I spent quality time with the wife. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is quite lovely. The wine was great. I was great, too. Alas, no poker.

Saturday was 3 of the SNGs. I won them all. In one case, I was 10th out of 10 with T175. I waged war on good sense and doubled...tripled...and quadrupled up.

This put me in a very pleasant place. It gave my lips and gums a tingling feeling. I talked too fast and my hands were shaking. Rush nothing. I'm BLASTED!

Sunday more of the SNG fun. I told BadBlood about the tourneys (IM again) and he seemed incredulous. Even Otis, the profound pontificate of poker, was at a loss for words. He may have been preoccupied with a sale at J-Crew. He's a metro-sexual. Nevertheless...

By late Monday night, I was back on the girl-chatter device telling Otis about the ring games of the day. Hand of the day : My set of Aces beats a set of tens and a set of Jacks. On Wednesday night I had $350.00 in my UB account. At IM O'Clock Monday it was over $2000.00. It was then that I uttered the fateful words. I typed them actually, but YAHOO! gives us a sense of illusion.

"Otis," I said, "I think a door has opened. Poker is making sense"

YES FOLKS I AM THAT STUPID

It's been a difficult Tuesday. Not bad really, but the rush is clearly over. I'm 0-3 on SNGs. I've been treading water in the rings. I lost a MTT without any money after playing for 2 hours. I'm still right at $2000.00 (play dollars IRS... just for PLAY), but I've hit a plateau. On the bright side, for the past few days I've been playing poker non-stop. This will allow me to take a comfortable break. A few days to avoid the post-rush TILT.

Right now a friend of mine, who is a far superior poker player, is riding the MEGA-TILT. Brother, I hand the rush to you. I'm done.

But good news dear reader

It's been a fantastic day. I left work early after finishing a special story for the May ratings book about the BadBlood clan playing online poker. It turned out great and I'll post a bit when the thing airs.

Best part : Bad Blood chides his 5 year old after the kid knocks daddy out of the game...ON A CHECK-RAISE!

The guy has great kids.

I got home early enough to play a 5PM 5+.50 on UB. 388 players in a "turbo" format. Normally I hate those things but this was another case of G-Rob wants to play without reading the directions. For 30 years I've thought you got money for landing on "Free Parking" for exactly the same reason.

Anyhoo....I finished 3rd.

Net profit $210.00

Surely the Bad Beats are Coming??!

Sort of. You knew they would.

At about 7:00 the charming Mrs. Blood pops up in Yahoo IM. She invites me to a local $20 tournamet which, of course, I attended. After flopped set over flopped set.....runner runner flush over flopped top pair....and etc. etc....you get the deal.

HAND OF THE NIGHT : Bad Blood in the BB calls and all-in from the SB

Bad Blood shows 7,7
SB shows QQ

Bad Blood catches the runner runner runner runner straight.

SO WHY AM I AWAKE AT 4:40?

God I'm glad I asked. I tried my luck at the 1AM $30+3...again on UB. 177 players...I finished 3rd...AGAIN.

But the good news is...

Net Profit :$730

TOTAL PROFIT ONLINE $ 940
TOTAL MINUS STUPID TOURNEY WITH A REBUY

$900

I sometimes suck less than I think.

Yeah... I only won one. I finished in a lowly 2nd in the other. This time it was $11 turned into $36. I'm not sure where I went wrong!!!

Actually, I was a little fortunate to win the first one. I'm heads up and I raise 3xBB with AQo. My opponent goes all-in and I call. He shows AJo. I'm a huge favorite... until he outflops me. And I don't mean he caught a Jack. The flop came K-Q-T. He flopped the nut straight. At this point I'm praying for a Jack so we can split, but it's another T on the turn. Now I'm down to one card... and, amazingly, I get runner-runner T's to win the pot with a full boat. I suppose it was justice since I was way ahead at the start.

In the one I lost, my opponent was dealt Rockets twice in 7 heads-up hands. On the final hand, I flopped a flush draw and he flopped a set of Aces. He caught his boat on the river, I never caught my flush. He had a 2-to-1 chip advantage and I probably didn't need to make the move at that point, but I thought I'd take my chances. Being patient heads up works a lot better for me.

So what I've determined at this point is that I have a relatively good chance of beating the fish who play $5 SNG's at PokerStars. Can I get some backers?

So I went home and fired up Poker Stars for a couple of $5 SNG's. And wouldn't you know it... I played smart, disciplined poker and won them both. I turned $11 into $45. I'm not a millionaire yet, but give me time. If you notice, the two tourneys started at the exact same time and ended within two minutes of each other. Maybe I'm not a complete loser after all.

There are, of course, a thousand players who have always been winners. They invested a single bill on PARTY POKER and, from that first day, never looked back. I call this group "The liars". At least, I'm not a liar.

More honest players DID lose money. Some bought in a dozen or more times only to watch the bankroll rise briefly and fall back to nothing. I've done that too. Like most of these players my skills have developed and the rolls slowly grew less dramatic as if the storm had passed and the only the ripples remain.

But I wonder, now that I THINK I'm a winning player. Was it worth the investment? And for other players is the 10th buy-in too much? How about the 15th? Or the 25th? At what point must a poker player admit the game is fun, even addictive, but for them a very bad idea?

Keep in mind we're SUPPOSED to pay for training. I payed thousands for college and slaved away at a few micro-limit jobs before I finally hit a good career pot. I think poker works the same. Some of us are buying and education while we whittle through the required text. We're fixated on those winning players and determined to find success.

I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL POKER PLAYER

You'll find, and this is especially true among bloggers, a real hesitance to admit this learning curve. We are putting our best face to the world and we often crave respect. In poker we keep score by the money we win and to lose money is to be a losing player. To be a losing blogger seems very close to being a loser at life. Nobody likes a loser.

But, still, even if we're honest, I think there's a time to quit. At least a time to quit playing for money. Just like my day job, some people need a new hobby. They just won't make it. Yes, poker is a skill. Yes, we can learn to imporve. But no amount of training or study or practice will make an average player...great.

I'm not planning to quit. I think I've payed for my education and I never planned to be great. I just like having fun and scratching out a few more wins. But what about the pools of fish? Will they ever learn? And what about the bloggers..I know you haven't ALWAYS been good...why did you stick with it?

What: The WPBT's first event of 2005
Where: PokerStars
When: Tomorrow night! (Wednesday), 9pm Eastern/8pm Central
Who: Poker Bloggers and their loyal readers
Why: So us bloggers can take your money
How: By using "thehammer" as your password, the tourney is called "World Poker Blogger Tour" under the private tourney tab. The entry fee is a measley $22 and there are already 61 entrants.

By 7:45 the 2.5K had only 22 players, remember it's only a 33 dollar buyin, so it was almost a sure bet for a big cash. I was seated and ready to go. That's a really late start for me so I would only be willing to play a smaller event on a Wednesday night, and this WAS PERFECT. I kept a running tally of the entrants with BOY GENIUS on the Yahoo! IM.

Then, at 7:55 something happened. My table CLOSED!, and I was dumped into the bigger game, along with 400 other players.

Now, granted, I understand why UB would want to do that. Neither guaranteed tourney would generate a pool big enough to afford the guaranteed payout. The smaller one was a terrible deal for them. BUT THERE WAS NEVER AN ANNOUNCED MINIMUM for the game. Thus, this was an UNFAIR bait and switch.

I sent an e-mail to that effect to UB. They never responded. So I cashed out.
They can blow me! I'm back on party.

By the way, AL and IGGY are right...THE BAD BEAT JACKPOT tables at Party Poker are FREE MONEY! I played the 2/4 game almost literally all day yesterday and cashed out UP 100BB. Not bad.

I suppose many of these jackpot chasin' fish aren't used to limit games and are captivated by the relatively low amount of risk invoved in chasing after the flop...another 4 bucks..what the hell!

As a rule, any good hand will be called through the river with at least 2 players holding any combination of overcards...and you can guarantee any player there with A-x is in for at least the flop. You have my word folks...there is not easier money ANYWHERE!

So...UB can go to hell.

G-Rob OUT!

Hand History for
Hand #703897
Check n Raise Poker Game #703897: Hold 'em No Limit
($0.25/$0.50)

Mon Jan 17 23:30:32 EST 2005

Table 'Dvorak' Seat #5 is the button

Seat 1: corpfan1 ($5.85)
Seat 3: H82luz ($25)
Seat 4: tom333 ($42.20)
Seat 5: GRob ($84.20)
Seat 7: Gman72 ($53)
Seat 8: vadka ($13.25)

Gman72: posts small blind $0.25
vadka: posts big blind $0.50

*** HOLE-CARDS ***

Dealt to GRob [KS AS]
corpfan1: folds
tom333: raises $1 to $1
GRob: raises $3.50 to $3.50
Gman72: calls $3.25
vadka: folds
tom333: calls $2.50

*** FLOP *** [6H TS JS]

Gman72: bets $1
tom333: calls $1
GRob: raises $3 to $3
Gman72: calls $2
tom333: calls $2

*** TURN *** [6H TS JS] [QS]

Gman72: checks
tom333: checks
GRob: checks

*** RIVER *** [6H TS JS QS] [8C]

Gman72: checks
tom333: checks
GRob: bets $5.50
Gman72: folds
tom333: calls $5.50

*** SHOW DOWN ***

GRob: shows [KS AS ] (a royal flush)
tom333: mucks [JH JD ] (three of a kind, jacks)

GRob wins ($29.45) with a royal flush

I realize I didn't get maximum value for this hand. But I was certain I wouldn't get any callers. Plus, I figured showing down a monster like this would allow me to buy any pot I wanted for the rest of the night.

I was right. Stayed up till midnight and got up for work at 3AM. It ain't easy being an addict.

Speaking of which, I MAY be a poker addict. I mean this in a serious HOLY CRAP sorta way, and not a joking "ha ha I play a lot of poker" kinda way. Still working on how to handle the obsession. Post to that effect is forthcoming.

Let me just take this appropriate opportunity to say the BadBlood badly deserved that. He killed me earlier because he's a serious bastard. Nice guy...but a damn bastard.

A few hands (few Hours? who's counting) earlier I read his large pre-flop bet as an obvious hammer. I called with A-8 and got crushed by his premium hand. (I believe he used the same hammer decoy maneuver to crush Dr. Pauly at a blogger table once). The hammer is, indeed, a pox on the poker world.

We must've dropped it on the poor unsuspecting fish a dozen times last night and even that barley loosened the table. Still, its NOT supposed to work against me! His Hammer bluff is now carefully confused with his premium hands which, for those of you who dislike the hammer, IS EXACTLY WHY WE PLAY IT! It works. And BadBlood..is still a bastard.

Anyhoo...G-Rob (and the bastard himself) will be at CNR for the next few afternoons....
We'll see you there.

Until now I've had the roll locked up on either PARTY or ULTIMATE BET. I always thought the SNG's were easiest at UB and the rings best at Party. But because those reload bonuses only happen so often, and because every high school loser with an allowance and without a girlfriend is suddenly a poker pro, there's no shortage of playable sites.

I tried PACIFIC first. Like anyone else they have a deposit bonus for first time accounts and this onhas a big perk. I bought in and cashed my bonus INSTANTLY which turns out to be a very very good thing. Pacific? That's where it belongs, buried beneath an Ocean of salt that corrodes the memory of the Commodore-64 that spawned it. There cannot possibly be a slower, less user-friendly site anywhere. Pacific Poker sucks, as the valley girls said, TO THE MAX.

The second site, you'll love this one, was Absolute poker. If ever two things were a perfect match (though I'll quickly buy-in to SoCo poker even withour a bonus) this was it. The bonus is fairly large, 35%, and fairly easy to work off. Its released in $10 increments as you play your raked hands. I've earned about half of mine in about a day and a half. The drawback here is the number of players. Its a pretty small site with only a few thousand players at a time and almost all of the are VERY low limit players. C'est la vie!

More than anything, I found action playing a .25 cent NL game. Listen to this setup. Buy-in are capped at $50.00 but there no minimum. That means most of the players will only buy about $10.00 in chips. Already they're at a major disadvantage. Plus with blinds at a paltry .10 and .25 a tight player can rock-it for hours with almost no financial consequence. Here are two back-to-back hands from last night :

G-Rob is UTG with THE HAMMER.

G-Rob raises to $3.00
fold
fold
call
fold
fold
call
fold
SB calls
BB folds

Flop is A, 10, 6 rainbow.
SB checks
G-Rob bets $6.00
everyone FOLDS
G-Rob SHOWS THE HAMMER and great cursing ensues. Several players procede to tell G-Rob he is stupid and will soon lose all his money. All of which is very likely true but not in this case.

THE VERY NEXT HAND!

G-Rob is dealt KK in EP
UTG folds
G-Rob bets $1.50 (remember the blind is .25!!!)
Next player calls
Folds around to BB... (the man who assured me I was about to go broke)..he bets $4.00

At this point I'm very concerned about rockets...but...
G-Rob re-re-raises to $8.00.
other guy folds
BB calls and I'm already preparing to fold. (remember the blinds are at .25)

The flop is :
9, 3, K rainbow.

BB bets $20.00 and then types and I quote "Lets see your hammer now *****!"
I push all-in and the genius calls.
G-Rob shows 3 Kings.
Idiot caller shows....are you ready for this.... K J off.
LOL!
And here in a room where the blinds are .25!!!!! G-Rob takes a $115.00 pot.

I love this site. It may be some time before you folks see me back at party, blogger tables aside of course. The HAMMER...is still the king. And this set-up with low blinds and relatively large buy-in, is probably the best I've found.

Talk about frisky....G-Rob is (SAY IT REGIS!) OUTTA CONTROL!

Rant #1: I bought in for this?

In recent days, Empire's multis have been experiencing a problem so serious that it threatens to discredit the effort to be a serious, reputable poker room. In two consecutive tourneys I've played, the entire game locked up. Every player is forced to sit and watch the screen do nothing. If you leave, you lose your buy-in. If you sit there, you're forced to watch mindless chat among bored players. You're also forced to watch the blind level go up without having a chance to play. After 30 to 45 minutes, the game springs back to life, but the blinds are a few levels higher. The crapshoot begins.

This first happened to me when we were two from the money in a 145-player multi. I ended up cashing in 9th place, but I can't help but think it hurt some of the other players. It happened again last night on the second hand of the tourney. Many of the other players said this has been happening for a while. It's a major bug in the system and severely discredits Empire's already weak tourney schedule.

Rant #2: You unbelievable weakling

This is no new problem, but it was the first time it cost me money.

I was in a $200 PL game last night. I raised on the button with AKs. The player UTG re-raised $20. I called. The flop came ATT rainbow. UTG (JacksRHI) bet the pot (~$50+). I thought for all of two seconds. Right now, AA, TT, and AT, and Tx beat me. I figure he's not going to re-reraise UTG with AT or any other naked T. The only way to know if he's holding American Airlines or TT is to...of, course, re-raise the amount of the pot.

When he didn't call for ten seconds, I knew I was out in front. No way he's going to think that long if he's holding the boat or quads. But then he didn't call for another five seconds. Then another five seconds.

The sonofabitch timed out and used his disconnect protection to see of his 77 would turn into a boat. To see those cards fairly, it would've cost him the rest of his stack.

My hand held up and I raked a sizable pot. But it should've been $87 bigger.

I know some sites have gotten rid of their disconnect protections for tourneys. I'm starting to think they should get rid of them all together. It's one thing when it only means the difference between winning and losing a few bucks. But when it's a few hundred bucks, that's a different story.

Disagree? Wait for it to happen to you.

Rant #3: My atheletic supporter works better than this

After both of these issues happened in the same night, I clicked on the 24-hour support button. I'd noticed several weeks ago that the 24-hour support function was inoperable. Turns out, it still is. When I e-mailed the off-line support about the tourney problem, I didn't even get an automated response.

True Poker, while replete with flaws, at least always has a host online to answer questions. How in the world Empire can operate without online supoprt is beyond me.

So, there ya go. I'm unhappy with Empire Poker. Perhaps I'm more unhappy because I'm more successful at this site than at any of the others I've played. The players are weaker, the pots are easier to rake, and they offer a variety of good games. Their multi-table tourney schedule sucks, but I probably shouldn't be playing too many multis anyway. Despite the great overlay on Empire's guaranteed tourneys, my EV is never that great.

I'd be curious to hear what other Empire players think. I'd also be curious to hear from Party players who also play at Empire about which skin they'd rather play at.

Rant ends here. Better writing to come later.

Limit Hold'em has been boring me recently. I usually play $3/$6 limit on Empire. The variance has been a little high recently. That was of little concern to me. Variance is variance. I was getting a little tired, though, of playing perfect poker and losing. And, of course, even the most disciplined among us tend to tilt a little when the bad run runs too long. When that happens, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not playing perfect poker.

I was on the verge of something we all do from time to time. I was about to take a break. I was going to try to wrap my head around the game without playing it. Bobby Baldwin's chapter in Super System was about to get some serious work. I like to call myself a a limit player who dabbles in no-limit tourneys. If I was going to talk like that, I needed to back it up.

In the spirit of Al Can't Hang, Pauly, and Iggy, perhaps a drinking analogy is appropriate here.

I see Limit Hold'em as a beer drinker's game. It's a steady game, well-paced, with little room for disaster unless you choose otherwise. Sure, it's possible to have a few too many and wake up wicked hungover. But there's little doubt, you made the choice to do that, and the hangover usually isn't that bad.

No-limit, as we all know, is for people who like to ride the lightning. It's a shot-drinker's game. If you choose to have one drink and wait for the nuts, you're going to be okay. But if you're really committed to playing the game, you've got to be willing to be hungover for three days. You've got to be willing to go broke.

As a semi-professional drinker, I know both games pretty well. I've suffered the victories. I've suffered the hangovers. I've made some decent money and I've almost gone broke a couple of times.

Simply put, those are the devils I know. And, frankly, I've been a little bored.

A bored poker player can be as dangerous as a bored drinker. When one gets bored, he starts to experiment. That brings us to Otis' latest experiment in chasing the high.

Two-hundred dollar buy-in Pot Limit.

After a recent final table finish in Empire's $25,000 guarantee Sunday night tourney, my bankroll was such that I could afford to lose $200. On a bored evening, I recently sat down at the $200 PL and decided to play.

I won $350 in a 45 minute session.

I stood up, and rightly, went out for a drink or ten. I ruminated over the possibilities for most of the evening. It seemed way too easy. I had hit and run the table for a sizable chunk of cash. There was a part of me that thought I had just found a poker utopia. Like anyone who buys a lottery ticket, I had visions of grandeur. The 45 minute session had just crowned me king of the poker world.

Of course, when I was thinking, I was drinking. I was no king. I was a guy sitting at a bar and trying to negotiate with the bartender. The Bait Shack had recently increased its draft price by 50%. I argued that since I had been drinking there since they opened, I should be grandfathered. I should get every third beer free. They didn't see things my way.

The next day, I sat back down and lost every bit if my winnings in two hands. Most of it left my stack when a guy called $150 against my king-high spade flush with AJo. He held the ace of spades and the fourth spade came on the river.

I considered myself no worse for the wear. It was an experiment in riding the lightning. I survived and vowed to return to $3/$6 limit as soon as I stopped cursing.

Had it not been for Pauly asking me to write a little something for his blog-zine, I might never have ventured back into the world of $200 PL. But since he asked, and I was writing, I thought I'd sit and play a little more. I entered a $20+$2 multi and sat at a $200 PL table.

It became a four-hour session. I wrote the piece (hopefully to be featured in an upcoming edition of Truckin') and played steady poker.

When I stood up, I had placed 9th in the tourney. What's more, my $200 buy-in had turned into $733.

So, here I sit, 12 hours after a very nice winning session. It was not a hit and run. It was steady poker, played well. I remember laying down top two pair to a $90 bet when there was a possible straight on the board and two to a flush as well. I had my head wrapped around the game and didn't feel like I was riding the lightning. I felt confident and sober.

Still, as the title of this post suggests, I know I'm walking a fine line. While my bankroll could stand a slight correction, I don't know that I'm qualified or wealthy enough to play at that level.

Here I sit, sober and staring at an open bar. I ask myself, what would the great experimenter Pauly do? What would pro-drinkerAl Can't Hang do? What would tee-totalling poker pro Felicia do?

More interesting, however...what is Otis going to do?

Third place goes to Iggy. He admitted he really didn't feel like trying to persuade me with a clever e-mail. However, he did make a heartfelt appeal (and I'd sort of been wanting to take a shot at Poker Stars anyway).

Second place goes to Matt, a reader from Texas, who wrote in the subject line of his entry, "You are my bonus bitch." That alone pushed him to the top of the pack for a while. Beyond that, he made a very good argument for playing at the World Poker Exchange. He really thinks I'll like it there and is taking a percentage of my rake as his bonus. And beyond that, he runs a cool company out in Texas that I think would be a fun way to make a living.

But, first place has to go to...JD (I'm not sure if he's a reader or fellow blogger). Regardless, he is the king of bonus whoring haikus. While Absolute Poker's refer-a-friend system is a little cumbersome, I'm granting JD the win for the following entry:

Please try Absolute
Their ring games are very soft
Say JD sent you*

Absolute tourneys
Blogger champ will dominate
Love the sit-n-gos

Absolute rewards
Bonuses come through snail mail
Reload bonanzas!

The next one is my favorite

Me likey bonus
Whoring contest great idea
Absolute Otis

Congratulations to the winners.

And if I kick this delayed hangover I'm suffering any time soon, I need to write up a report from a homegame I found myelf in on Friday night. Here's a preview:

I didn't peel my cards off the table again, preferring instead to eat her face with my eyes. Her cheeks pulled in as she drew in on the cigar. She pulled her cards off the felt one more time. I couldn't read her as well as I wanted. Her beauty put me on tilt the moment she'd climbed out of the H2-Hummer. When she lit the cigar and bathed the table in a sexual wash of smoke and casual good humor, I decided there was no way I could play the game of poker ever again.

I didn't respond. I just sat there and stared into her face while she looked up at me and said, "All in."

This idea actually began with a sympathy offering to fellow poker blogger, Grubby. I felt so bad for him when he busted out on the bubble of a tourney that would have sent him to mothergrubbin' SPAIN. That's a rough place to bubble.

I told him he could pick any poker site where I'm not currently a member and direct me to sign up under his bonus code. Free money!

It's been a few days and he hasn't responded. So, the offer now goes out to all Up For Poker readers.

I have $300 from the last WPBT tourney burning a hole in my Neteller account. The winner of the first Bonus Whore War contest will pick the site where I desposit and, thus, reap the bonus.

RULES:

1) An entry will consist of a short-short essay (no more than 100 words) on why I should choose you as my Bonus Whore.

2) All entries should be e-mailed to me by Saturday, May 29th at 11:59pm (you can find a e-mail link on my non-poker site Rapid Eye Reality at the bottom of any post. Just click on the words "send me a reality check.")

3) All entries must include your bonus code and the site where you'd like me to deposit.

4) As I am already a member at Ultimate Bet, Empire, Pacific Poker, Planet Poker, and True Poker, those sites will not be accepted as entries. What's more, I'd prefer no Party skins, simply because of the silly bonus code mess that's invovled with having multiple accounts on party skins. So, you say, "that leaves very few sites, Otis." You're right. So, find me a new place to play poker, or find me a way to rake more bonuses from sites where I already play.

5) All entries become property of Up For Poker and stand a good chance of being reprinted in part on Up For Poker at a later date.

Good luck, my little bonus whores. I'll be waiting.

In short, friends, the Otis Choke is the stuff of legend. It's like watching a fawn tread on a hockey rink. It's sort of pretty, sort of silly, and bound to end in ass-crunching disaster.

My lengendary status as a last-minute Choker didn't begin in poker. It reaches back to my childhood, to high-stakes games of House Rules Monopoly, to games of Buffalo Ball in the driveway, to weekend-long Frolf tournaments.

No matter how well I perform, no matter how large my man-parts seem, no matter how strong an opponent I am besting, in the end something painful and heart-wrenching will happen. Something no one expects. I trip and break my nose. My big toes fall off in unison. I get distracted by a passing turtle and cold call a capped bet with 3-6 off.

Keeping all of that in mind, I tempted the Otis Choke Steering Committee with my last post here at Up For Poker. In it I described the sea of fish at True Poker and my recent streak, in which I turned a $20+$2 buy-in tourney into a $196 win, then parlayed that win into $400 playing only $1/$2 limit hold'em.

Simply stating that should've been enough to melt my computer hard drive and get three speeding tickets. I should've been rebuying within 48 hours. And then something odd happened.

I kept winning. And kept winning.

I kept grinding at $1/$2 and built the bankroll to $500. I had no intention of moving up to $2/$4 until I hit $600. That would've been a safe 150 big bets. But yesterday morning my wife got called into work at around 5:30am. I couldn't go back to sleep and hopped on TP. Nobody was playing $1/$2. Nobody.

The Shoulder Devil couldn't sleep either. He'd been up all night snorting coke with Keith Richards. He sat on my shoulder, tapping his fingers on my noggin, and whispering "do-it-do-it-do-it-do-it...where's keith, keith stole my dope, do-it-do-it-do-it."

So, I sat down.

Now, it's not like $2/$4 is some vast wasteland of pirates and sharks. I know that. It's low-rolling just like $1/$2. But simply going up in limits before I intended to was enough to get the Otis Choke Train (by Hasbro) rolling.

Then a funny thing happened. I kept winning.

Between yesterday morning and right now (Sunday at 6pm), I've been winning.

A quick check of my bankroll shows that I have turned my initial $22 buy-in into $939...plus my $2 big blind.

There are three possible explanations for this:

1) The True Poker $2/$4 Fish are swimming in the same water as the $1/$2 fish.
2) The Otis Choke Steering Committee was still sleeping when I jumped limits yesterday and now figures to wait until I prematurely jump to $3/$6 before ruining my life.
3) While inebriated Friday night, I accidentally sold my soul to the Shoulder Devil (I was wondering where he got the booty to buy the blow).

There is also the possiblity that I'm playing a little bit better poker. Since True Poker only allows me to play one table at a time, I'm getting better reads on individual players. There are also fewer players at True, so I'm playing against the same people a lot more than I did at UB. That also allows for better reads. I'm also developing a reputation for strong play and I've found the tight players who will fold to a well-timed raise. Lastly, most people low-rolling at True are doing it with pat