Pauly: I just saw a hooker do a line of blow off Greg Raymer's ass in the bathroom.

Wil: I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Pauly: Dude, seriously... Gates McFadden?

Wil: I hit it.

Pauly: Dude, you need a mint.
Wil: Holy crap, you're right.

WIL: Pauly, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
PAULY: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
WIL: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
PAULY: I don't know what that means.
WIL: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
PAULY: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

PAULY: How many times did I flash my balls
at that Prince impersonator?

WILL: .....

PAULY: I know I was wasted but, seriously, how
many times?

WILL: ....

PAULY: Will you back me up if I tell people it
was a prop bet?

WILL: ....

Pauly: Wil! What the fuck is that smell?

Wil: My bad, I farted.

Guy behind Wil: Oh my god, I'm gonna be ill!

Pauly: Did that joint stink up your hand?

Wil: How do I cheat a Starfleet drug test?

PAULY: This hookah is the shit.
WIL: (cough, cough)

Pauly: Psst, if I hit on the blonde, will you play wingman with her mom?
Wil: Forget her mom. Her brother is goosing me and his hands are COLD!

Wil: Doctor, my lips still tingle and burn with excitement from our kiss earlier this evening...

Pauly: Oh my God! I totally feel the same way! I can't wait for the next break, Ensign Crusher!

Wil: OMG! I can totally see Clonie Gowan's thong!

Pauly: You far-sighted donkey, that's Kathy Liebert, and that's definitely not a thong. Now go say three hail marys and do a double shot of SoCo as penance.

Pauly: Remember the Def Leppard "Behind the music" where they discuss the mother/daughter threesome taking place under the stage?

Wil:...um, sure.

Pauly: $100 says you won't suggest it to the blonde bruisers over your right shoulder.

Wil: make it $400 and I'll do it while eating a crayon.

Wil: He's got Jacks.

Pauly: No way, man. He's got Tens.

Wil: *Sniff sniff* Hey Pauly, guess where my fingers have been...

Pauly: Dude, wash the Milwaukee's Beast smell off your hands before your wife gets here.

Pauly: Dude...you sick of working for Otis yet?

Wil: ....he bores me.

Wil: The guy to my right is stroking his cock to a still from the David Williams porn video.

Pauly: It's your own damn fault. I *told* you not to wear your wedding ring during the Main Event.

Wil: Did you know you have a receeding hairline?
Pauly: Do you know the sound of having your teeth smashed into the mouth?

Wil,
any chance you can get me and Otis into the star trek experience at the Hilton after closing time on night, he has been pestering me to ask for a month now, I think he just wants to try on one of those uniforms you guys wore...

WIL: *yawn*

PAULY: Wil, I know that you're bored unless Cunningham is playing a hand, but you have to stay awake!

WIL: I'd be more awake if we were in the Tilted Kilt.

PAULY: Yeah, it's also awesome that the waitresses there read my blog.

WIL: *TILT*

OTIS WHEN HE READS THIS: *TILT*

Wil: Otis has that tired yet horny look on his face.

Pauly: He sure does. Is Isabelle around or something?

Wil: No, but Otis and I saw her double kiss Kathy Liebert a few minutes ago.

Pauly: Sweet. That'll get anyone horny.

Wil: Definitely. I gotta touch myself just thinking about it.

Pauly: Go for it.

Wil: My balls are sweaty as hell. They smell bad too (lifting hand to face).

Pauly: Hmmmm . . .let me be the judge of that.

wil: oooooh, Gavin smith is so hot....I want to fluff him so badly......

Pauly: Wil, you can satisfy your desires for the moment by doing that to me, that too for free!!!
come on down, fast....

Pauly: Man, that Jeffrey Pollack just doesn't shut up, does he.

Wil: Nope.

Pauly: Kill me.

Wil: Dang dude, Ambercrombie boy's fists are huge!

Pauly: I think he just touched my liver.

Pauly: What is the most fingers you have ever stuck in your own ass?

Wil: This many.

Pauly: Doesn't make you gay though.

Wil: Fuck no.

Wil: I can’t believe it! I actually TOUCHED it! With this hand I actually touched it!

Pauly: Let me make this simple for you fanboy, if I have to hear about you fondling CJ’s box one more time….

Wil: I had it in my very own hands!! This hand!! I touched it!!

Pauly: That does it!!

Wil: He's got Tens.

Pauly: No way, man. He's got Jacks.

P: "I said Jamie is a big donk, not Jamie has a big dong."
W: "Doesn't matter, I'm keeping my mouth covered anyway."

Wil: I totally just velched and a fleck landed on Cunningham.

Pauly: That's fouler than the socks Grubby left under his bed when he moved to Chicago.

Wil: It smelled a little like Grubby's socks, too.

Wil: This hand lotion smells great. Where did you get it again.

Pauly: Bath and Body works in Henderson. It's their Juniper Berry.

Wil: Sweet. I see I'm not the only one who took advantage of the 3 for $10 sale.

Wil: Okay, try it this way. Put four fingers together like this...
Pauly: I'm not gonna fucking do it, Wil.
Wil:...then just spread your middle and ring fingers apart.
Pauly: No.
Wil: C'mon, she'll love it.
Pauly: No goddamit, I'm not doing the Vulcan Salute to Isabelle.

Pauly: Did you get any cat last night?
Wil: Yes, and I can't get that damn hairball up yet!

Pauly: OK how's that work again?

Wil: Simple, just wink at Helmuth over there and wink at him. Then slowly peal back one finger at a time until there's only one left.

Pauly: Dude, that's not the shocker. You gotta curl in your ring finger.

Wil: Well, this is how we roll in LA.

Wil: I just shook Lacey Jones' hand, I'm never washing this baby!
Paul: Dude, my lips have been on Liz Lieu, get off me!

Wil:Don't look now Pauly but fuckin' Hellmuth's tryin' to sneak back in again.

Pauly:Hellmuth...what a dickhead.

Pauly: Dude, this final table sucks. Wanna play some Indian poker?

Wil: Fuck yeah (makes a Native American battle cry with his hand)

WIL: Oh shit! I totally just belched and blew it on the werewolf Elvis impersonator sitting next to me!
PAULY: Don't worry, Wil, I got your back.
WIL: Great - who's got your back??
PAULY: Troy Aikman. He's sitting right behind us with his mom and his sister.
WIL: Wow, a celebrity! Do you think Troy can introduce me to his sister?
PAULY: You don't want to do that, Wil. I just took a piss next to her. She's got one longer than this Bic, and bigger around than that brass-colored pole right in front of you.
WIL: (gasp, hand over mouth)... really?

Wil: I think Otis just stink palmed us?
Pauly: Stink palmed?
Wil: Yeah you know like in MallRats.
Pauly: MallRats?
Wil: You know that movie where the blonde from Three's Company has a third nipple?
Pauly: Oh yeah. Jack Tripper Stole My Third Nipple was going to be the title of one of my books.
Wil: What did you change it too?
Pauly: Uh...Sweet Nothing a.k.a. The Baby & Winky Novel

Pauly: Yes, I also read that lucky bastard Gold for quads. But dude, your signal is a little obvious.

Wil: Oh my god, she's here.
Pauly: Who?
Wil: The girl I was with last night?
Pauly: Really?
Wil: Yeah, she and her mother came over late last night
Pauly: Dude, what were you thinking you are married?
Wil: I thought she was my wife, she looks like my wife.
Pauly: Dude, you need to go home

Wil, "Let's do this..."

Wil & Pauly breaking it down...

http://www.geocities.com/dawatts36/Tunes/One.mp3

Wil: Oh God!

Pauly: Did Ten Poker Chips just Fall out of your Ass?

Wil: Good God I'm a Slot Machine!

Pauly: I got $200 on the Prop Bet that the hooker you were with last night got 10 poker chips in your ass.

Wil: How long do you think we'll have to keep our hands in front of our mouths?

Pauly: As long as it takes. You know those feds brought in lip readers. Now act fucking natural!

Wil: Do you think I'm weird?
Pauly: Definitely.
Wil: No man, seriously. Am I weird?
Pauly: Yeah, but so what? Everybody's weird

this fing blog cracks me up daily

Pauly: “Really? That huge guy said you had a pretty mouth.”
Wil: (Dueling Banjos Tilt)

Wil: Goddamn that Otis. He told me the purple ones were grape-flavored.
Pauly: He told me the red ones were cherry.
Wil: I think I'm going to spew.
Pauly: Mine wasn't too bad. But I wish the bet had been bigger. You got a stiff-bristled toothbrush on you?
Wil: This is going to take forever to get off my caps.

PAULY
Yeah, what'd you tell him?

WIL
I told him I didn't know nothin'.
But Jiggs and, uh, Tony Gorilla said
if you did anything, you're fucked
up.

PAULY
You think he's goin' home, makin' a
beef behind my back?

WIL
Nah. You would've heard somethin'.

PAULY
Yeah, what's to stop him?

WIL
I know. I know.

PAULY
I don't trust him anymore. But they'd
never okay anything, you know?

WIL
Yeah, but they keep askin' about it.

PAULY
Well, now, sure they're askin'. They
earn with the prick. I got a funny
feelin' he's gonna start a fuckin'
war or somethin'.
(Pause)
I'm not sure yet, you know. But I w-
You know, but you know what I want
you to do?

WIL
What?

PAULY looks suspiciously at a man walking by them.

PAULY
Who's this guy? Who's this guy?

WIL
Oh, he ain't nobody.

PAULY
You know what I want you to do? Get
a couple of guys to dig a hole in
the desert, then let 'em show you
where it's at.

WIL
Angelo and Buster.

PAULY
Yeah, but I'm not sure yet.

WIL
They'll do it.

PAULY
And when I'm ready, I'll give the word.'

WIL
Yeah.

PAULY
And you make it disappear, you know
what I mean?

WIL
Yeah, just let me know. But you gotta
be ready. You know what I'm talkin'
about?

PAULY
Did I say to do anything yet? I said
I'm not sure... I'll let you know. I
want to think about it.
[Hat tip to M. Scorcese]

Wil: (yawn) I told you paying 25 bux to watch it on TV without minicams would suck.
Pauly: Hang on...I think I have some broccoli in my teeth still...damn prop bets.